Egos and Attitudes Taking Over Professional Ping-Pong

by Paul Hewson

    Commissioner Harry Balsinurfais of the Professional Ping-Pong Players Partnership has issued an ultimatum to its player members: Leave the egos and attitudes outside the ping-pong arenas or else heavy fines will be assessed.
    Ever since the PPPPP's superstar Tanaki Boner signed the largest contract in the history of all of the major ping-pong associations of 27 yen every Chinese New Year, other players have felt the right to flaunt their stardom rather than concentrate on providing the huge fan base with quality ping-pong matches.
    The odious behavior that has prompted the commissioner to take action includes such displays as playing with an un-tucked shirt, growing sideburns longer than 37/54ths of an inch, and only pumping once when shaking the opponent's hand after the match.
    League rebel Clem Splankerton sparked the most controversy during his match last week with Neb Namelock. He wore black socks, breaking with the traditional all-white uniforms, and he not only dared to make eye contact with the crowd, but he also made some sort of motion in the air with his index finger as if to indicate his belief that he is the top ping-pong player.
    Fan backlash is already occurring in droves. Some fans have devised ways to get back at the players for the newfound arrogance. "I'm planning on clearing my throat during play instead of waiting for the point to end, and I may just leave to use the restroom between sets rather than holding it until after the match," said disgruntled fan Dan File.
    If such animosity continues to grow between players and fans, ping-pong could very well lose its stronghold as America's 231st favorite spectator sport.

Fake Hoosier Football Team Shows Up to Play Ohio State in the Horseshoe

by Ken Boleman

    On September 28, 2002 at Ohio Stadium on the campus of The Ohio State University, the Buckeyes trounced what was thought to be the Hoosiers of Indiana University. The final score of the contest was 45-17, with freshman sensation running back Maurice Clarett running for three touchdowns in the first half alone.

    During his post-game press conference, Hoosier Head Coach Gerry DiNardo said, �I do not know what happened to my team out there today. I mean, they all got on the bus from the hotel to go to the stadium.�

    Speculation has it that the Hoosier football team is undergoing a massive rebuilding stage. �If we would have had sixth year, medical redshirt, and redshirt freshman Antwaan Randel-El we could have pulled out the W,� said DiNardo. �That guy carried this team on his back, and that�s no joke!�

    �I think at some point between getting off the bus and going into the locker room, the Bloomington High School South football team swapped jerseys with the Hoosier football team to prove how terrible IU football really is and that they could take care of the Buckeyes,� said DiNardo.

    Ohio State Freshman Sean Potter attended this high contested contest and said after exiting the stadium, �I know that was the Hoosier football team. I mean who else can only score 17 points against the Buckeyes? Well, maybe Akron, but the Hoosiers did hold the Buckeyes to one less touchdown. Plus, that linebacker from Cleveland St. Ignatius is playing for IU and I saw him try to bring his personal problems against my beloved Buckeyes.� Potter continued his post game banter by saying �Maybe if the Hoosier football team had a kid with a name like �Tom Coverdale� on the roster they could compete with the likes of William & Mary.�

Gerry DiNardo makes more per year than Mike Davis

by Ken Boleman

    Indiana University Hoosier football first year head football coach Gerry DiNardo makes more money per year than third year head basketball coach Mike Davis does. This despite the fact that Davis and the Hoosiers made the improbable run to the NCAA Championship game and defeating the Duke University Blue Devils in the sweet sixteen.

    Former XFL Las Vegas Outlaws star Rod Smart (alias �He Hate Me�) said that he has the utmost respect for DiNardo, whose last head-coaching job was with the XFL�s Birmingham Thunderbolts. �That DiNardo guy really knew how to teach his players how to fight for that �free ball coin toss.�

    When asked for a quote on the situation, DiNardo said, �Football is big business in this country. When you have a football team with the caliber of talent that IU does, then you can take on teams like Miami [OH] and Florida State [Technical and Agricultural Community College]. So yes, I do deserve to make the salary that I do, even though the men�s soccer coach, oh what�s his name, has been here some thirty years and has about five national championships, and that Davis guy who coaches men�s basketball has been here three years and went to the championship game last season.�