Dave McDougal Wishes to Meet Dave McDougal

by Paul Hewson

    Dave McDougal, a senior finance major at The Ohio State University, wishes to meet Dave McDougal, a newly arrived freshman at OSU. Dave wants to shake the hand of the other student at this great university with the same name as his. He feels that such a meeting may have a tremendous unifying effect throughout the world, or it may just cause the complete and utter destruction of the universe.
    "I hope that this encounter will have a unifying effect never before seen throughout the world, showing everyone that we can live in harmony and that there's a little bit of our own self in every other person we meet. After all, his name is my name, too," said Mr. McDougal. He continued by expressing his fears over the potential cosmic consequences of such a meeting, however.
    "I fear that the moment we shake hands and coalesce into one Dave McDougal, a great void will exist in the universe where we were once two individuals and the vacuum formed by the newfound nothingness will cause the universe to collapse on itself in the middle of Mirror Lake, which is where we plan to meet."
    These fears were simply speculation on Dave's part, but there is one factual side effect of the meeting that has Dave worried.
    "Yeah, I think when our heads explode it's gonna hurt a lot."

Students Unsure of Whereabouts of �Y�

by Ken Boleman

    Students at Indiana University have a moral dilemma on their hands. They are unsure of the culprit who stole the �Y� from the HPER acronym in the School of HPER.
    When asked for a quote on the situation, Dean Mike Allsport declined comment, but did say that in the 50-year history of the School of HPER, the HPER acronym has always stood for Health, Physical Education, and Recreation.
    With a possible HPER degree in his future, Freshman Maurice (or �Reese�) Witherfork was quoted as saying �Yeah, up until two days ago, I was always spelling the acronym HYPER. I mean, how you not be hyper without the �Y�?�

Hit-and-Run Victim Assures Friends He�s Fine

by Tom Splank

    Parc Yeknod, an Ohio State sophomore, assured his friends he was ok after being brutally bumped into by a remote controlled monster truck last Thursday.
    Onlookers were paralyzed in fear when they witnessed the monster truck tap into Yeknod�s right foot, causing him to trip and nearly fall. He was able to catch himself with his outstretched hands, though he suffered minor scrapes on his wrists. Immediately after the run-in, the truck continued down the path with no regard for Yeknod�s well-being.
    When his friends and fellow classmates finally came to Yeknod�s rescue, he pushed them away as he stood up. �I�m fine,� he said. �Really, I am.� Though they pleaded with him to report the crime to the campus police or at least visit the student health center, he became angry and berated the crowd. �It really was no big deal. I�m ok.�
    Bystanders feel that the controller of the car must have been in a nearby dorm window or even a rooftop. �Those trucks don�t just drive themselves,� said Sally Cummings, an onlooker to the scene. �Someone is accountable here.�
    Campus police have been alerted, but no such leads or related incidents have been yet reported.