The Bludgeon is now starting its third year, and hopefully it will be the best one yet. We have an AIM screenname, thebludgeon, and we can be reached there. We can also still be contacted at [email protected] with questions, comments, concerns, criticisms, or critiques.
    We�ve got a great issue here for you with some top-notch stories. If you�re new to The Bludgeon, hit up all the regular features and be sure to check out some of the archives. Thanks for your support!

-Tom Splank, Editor-in-Chief

Homeless Woman Infiltrates Hemp Necklace Market

by Ken Boleman

    An unnamed homeless woman selling hemp jewelry has been spotted on the Indiana University Bloomington campus. Her business originally started outside of a movie theater on Kirkwood Avenue. Later that same week, she was sitting in the arboretum, which is in the middle of the IU campus and is an area through which the majority of students pass on a daily basis.
    When asked if he would buy from this woman, freshman Hank Melbot said, �Hell, I could do that myself. I do not need to spend $10 when I can just buy the supplies myself for $20 and waste an hour of my life making it myself.�
    Freshman Paul McDonald said that he would buy from her. �She�s a gypsy,� said McDonald.
    New Albany, Ohio based Abercrombie and Fitch is looking to buy out this woman�s supply, stock, holdings, and assets and market her material in their stores under a new �Gypsy� theme for the Christmas shopping season. A & F will make a killing selling these ugly useless pieces of �jewelry� to college students who seem to have an obsession with the letters �A� and �F.� Prices range from $43.95 for the lower end hemp and up to $54.27 for the higher end jewelry.

New Syndrome Among Medical Students

by Tom Splank

    A new disorder has been named in the medical world: Elemental Obsession Syndrome. Doctors at The Ohio State University have diagnosed several students in pre-med majors including pharmacy and nutrition. Those who suffer from Elemental Obsession Syndrome show such symptoms as a near-obsessive-compulsive need to carry tiny microscopes and pocketsize chemistry books, rooms full of organic chemistry crucibles, and randomly reciting the number of electrons on each element�s outer valence shell. The most common indication of EOS, however, is the hallucination of the periodic table of the elements.
    Those who suffer from this unspeakable condition seem to see the chart everywhere they look. One such student, Andrea Huebner, spoke of her troubles.
    �I would enter my classroom and see the table on the walls. It would rear its ugly head when I opened my books. Somehow it was on the desktop of my computer. I even thought I saw it on the liner notes of a John Mayer cd. I was losing my mind.�
    Fortunately, this disorder can be combated. EOS patients have found comfort in playing with models of molecules and dissecting cats. No direct pill-form treatment is as of yet available.
    Reader, if you see any of your friends walking back from class saying, �Orgo was so much fun!� please suggest they receive help. EOS strikes quickly, and once contracted, may never recede.

Japanese Translation

FROM ENGLISH TO JAPANESE

BACK TO ENGLISH

After:  My chevy it drove the American pie of the bi- bi- failure to tax collection, but, the rye where, tax collection drying, drank the good ole boy whisky, has sung dies with me who " am This'll day. The This'll dies with me who am day. "

By: Melvin Schpinkle & Fridrick Engels

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Backstreet Boys Say Bye Bye Bye to Brian

by Tom Splank

    The unanimously fabulous boy band that helped start the craze has traded in one of its members in an unusual and surprising marketing stunt. Brian Littrell, the blonde-haired boy wonder of the group, was ousted and replaced by pop culture phenom Jonathon Taylor Thomas (JTT). The switch was made public early last Monday.
    Kevin Richardson, cousin band member of Littrell, says the exchange was warranted. �See, I�m big into, like, astronautomy, and so, like, we were just looking things over one day, and we decided that Brian�s horoscope was right, cause, you see, Bri is a Pisces, and his horoscope in the August Cosmo said, �You will drag your friends down into a financial and emotional well of despair ending with a viscous quarrel to the death.� So we thought maybe we should just stay away from him for a while, but, you know, we�re in a band, so that�s hard to do. Luckily, we noticed that the horoscope for Virgo said, �You will join a boy band and take them to great heights,� and so then we totally were like, �Who do we know who is a Virgo?� Well, Harflen Krem, our manager, right away suggested Jonathon. They�d worked together on Man of the House, which was a huge success in Japan�.but anyway, we made the calls and Jonathon was just thrilled.�
    The enthusiastic and longtime-out-of-work Virgo flew to California immediately. He was welcomed into the band with open arms, while Littrell banged on the doors criticizing his ex-bandmates for changing the locks.
    AJ McLean, Capricorn band member, hinted that the move was one of the best the band has made. �We were seriously in a rut. We�d walk down the street and hear people whispering that all our songs sounded the same or that we didn�t really write the songs. I think it was Brian always biting his fingers that brought us down. Initially I was thinking MacCauly Caulkin, but I�m glad we went with JTT in the switch. We�re already replacing Brian�s head with his on all our posters. The media attention this transition has drawn is exactly what we were going for.�
    JTT himself expressed his sentiments for his new bandmates. �Actually, I was received an offer to go to �Nsync not 15 minutes after the call from the Boys, but I had to turn them down. Contracts are contracts. I hate them. Tim Allen still owns my soul.�
    Taylor has been in the studio laying down tracks for almost a week now. The band expects to release a new album by Christmas. A tour is already in the makings for next spring.

See related article: Brian Littrell Exposes Backstreet Boys as Homosexuals and No-Talent Hacks

Cholesterol Shake Released

by Tom Splank

    Health nuts will be happy to hear that Tyashuki Chein�s long-awaited health shake is finally available in the US market. Previously only released in Japan, the new shake offers users 5000% of the recommended daily cholesterol values.
    The shake, ChoCo (pronounced coe coe), combines the latest lipid and saturated fat technology to deliver a top-of-the-line drink that is sure to beef you up. Chein, a former sumo wrestler, developed the shake while training for the sumo nationals. Intended as a weight gainer and muscle builder, the drink takes a different approach than other similar beverages.
    �Where most companies try to use protein to allow their buyers to gain weight, I have merely used cholesterol, the building block of fat, for a much more rapid gain of the desired weight,� Chein explained. �Because this product is so versatile, I feel it will do well not only in competitive sports circles but also with females looking for the right diet to improve their figures.�
    The shake, almost 100% pure cholesterol, can be purchased at any local health foods store, and is available in a variety of flavors in the protein shake section of your neighborhood grocery.

Sesame Street Scandal Revealed; Elmo Can�t Handle It

by Martin Dobler

    The gig is up Grover! It has recently been brought to light that for over fifteen years and twenty-seven days, Les Wexner�s powerhouse money making clothing store Abercrombie and Fitch has been in cahoots with the children�s show Sesame Street. Apparently, the clothing store has been secretly paying off the producers of Sesame Street to air a plethora of episodes brought to the audience specifically by the letter �A� and/or the letter �F� in order to condition young children into developing a preference for those specific letters. After years and years of what child psychologist Ansty Frinkton calls �Subconscious Alphabetical Preference Syndrome (or �SAPS�),� the children are drawn to the letters �A� and/or �F.�
    �If a child is shown a specific letter or even two specific letters repeatedly, they will become conditioned to seeing them and not be able to handle not seeing them. Then, due to SAPS, they will experience a subconscious withdrawl similar to that of a heroin addict without his/her needle.� The children are then uncontrollably subconsciously drawn to those letters. Abercrombie and Fitch provided the perfect outlet to cure the so-called �withdrawl.� Their long line of T-shirts, long sleeved sweaters, vests, coats, hats, socks, belts and hand warmers all bearing the letters �A� and/or �F� would uncontrollably sell to high school and college age kids who hadn�t gotten enough of their �A� and �F� in the recent years. This also explains why shoppers overlooked the outrageous prices at Abercrombie & Fitch. There was simply nothing they could do about it.
    On the Sesame Street side of the scandal, things are going well either. Apparently a disgruntled Elmo has committed suicide. Elmo�s close friend and co-worker, Cookie Monster, found this note in his dressing room:

Dear Friends,
    Elmo always know something like this happen sooner or later. Everyone know that Elmo always think it a bad idea to take money from clothing store. And now whole show is ruined for everyone. Everyone always think Elmo just silly red monster who laugh, but underneath, Elmo is much more and now Elmo no feel like he can go on. Please feed Elmo�s cat while he is gone.
(signed)
Elmo

    Tyco, the company that produces the lovely �Tickle Me Elmo� doll, has plans to release a collector�s edition �post death� Elmo doll, who gurgles and spits out blood when you tickle him and comes with his own noose to pretend hang him. It is supposed to sell in retail for $47.95, but the street value is forecasted to be about $200 beans for the bloody Elmo doll.
    Research is now underway for an investigation of the numbers �1,� �8,� �9,� and �2.� Some experts believe a similar event may have occurred in that arena as well.